Life. The great mystery, the great miracle, the great wonder. It just so happened that by pure chance, combinations of stardust, cosmic energy, mud, water and light came together to form the single most important thing in the history of things. Life. Life became bacteria, became fish became other things and eventually became humans. Humans too evolved, getting cleverer and cleverer, then came a turning point at which they became stupider and stupider. We don’t know when this was. But now, thanks to evolution and the miracles of life, a certain stoner sat in his bunk, thinking about these very things.
This stoner went by the name of Darren Antonewiecz, a student with a lot of money (he’d been willed it by his late great-uncle) and a case of Asperger’s Syndrome who’d devoted his life to constantly being high. And that life suited him. He lived, he ate, he slept, he toked, he lived off the heaps of cash he’d been willed, and the student accommodation which he called home provided him with a roof over his head and a shower which he used every week or two. His long, brown hair was greasy and unwashed underneath his green bandanna, green shirt and brown combat trousers. Truly, there was no way that this man could have been any more of a stoner.
Darren’s schedule normally went like this: Get up, smoke weed, go to his class whilst still mostly baked, eat some lunch, wander around town whilst smoking some more weed, go back home, go to sleep. This ritual saw him through the most part, and he was top of his Philosophy class to boot. Being a such a heavy toker does that. But one day, whilst he was wandering around town, spliff in hand, pondering ponderous ponderments, something happened to his which would set his life on a totally different track.
…except we don’t know what that something actually was. Darren himself was too high to remember at the tine and nobody else saw it. The last he remembers is leaving the building, then waking up later in his room with radical powers, yo. So unfortunately all we know is that this event involved radioactive waste, the bag of ganja he’d been carrying at the time and (we speculate) his Asperger’s. And afterwards he had the power to control fire and heal people with the power of peace n’ love. Which is pretty darn radical. And I swear that this isn’t an excuse to not have to come up with more backstory. I write stories, not histories.
Anyway, that’s the origin of the powers out of the way. Now we can get on to the actual story. You know how I said that The Something set Darren’s life on a totally different track? Well, it didn’t do that immediately. Darren kept his powers mostly secret, even when he was high. But what he did do was use them to help people in need when he saw them. And it just so happened that he saw somebody in need right there. Specifically, a girl in a back alley.
“Iyaa! Help meee!”
In a cliché that most people would have considered sexist in this day and age this girl was being threatened by what looked like some kind of creepy-looking man. The girl was of a very short stature, and had Darren been thinking a little straighter he might have been worried that her size might work against her or something of that nature. She seemed to assume a cowering position, backing hastily away from the creepy man.
But, having noticed her size or not, seeing this girl was in grave peril caused the instinctive hero in Darren to come out. In a marijuana-addled moment of bravery he stumbled forward and activated his power. His entire right arm became coated in emerald green flame, not burning him but feeling as hot as any other fire to anyone else. “Yo dude… Leave her alone, thass not cool…”
It’s not every day that you see someone’s arm burst into flames, so naturally the creepy guy immediately sprang into action, lunging away from the girl and glaring at Darren. It was at that moment that Darren noticed something about this peculiar individual… He seemed to be quivering, but still smiling. On occasion he twitched and made a strange noise. Darren knew those symptoms, and he knew this person. This weirdo was none other than Gary Henderson-Sanderson-Hudson-Anderson-Peterson, his old pot dealer who had turned to the dark side and started selling cocaine instead. Following that decision there was then an argument and a few fights which Darren was unable to explain coherently. The only elements that he remembered succinctly were that a watermelon and a possum were both involved, but since then he’d had a personal vendetta against Gary, and one which he didn’t intend to drop any time soon.
Darren simply looked at him and spoke slowly. “You started off doin’ crack… And now you’re doin’ mean stuff to girls. Baaaaad vibes man. I told ya.” Gary stared and tweeked at Darren for a good long while before, surprisingly, deciding against fighting him. He pointed at the toker and spoke quietly, yet not so quiet as to not be heard: “Hehehhh... this won’t be the end, stoner boy!” before running off down the street. Confident that Gary was gone for now, Darren started wandering off… But the next thing he knew, he was glomped by the young lady ‘’Gyaaaaaah~! that was soo heroic of you!’’ Darren wasn’t sure how to react to this, but was at least a bit glad to finally be able to actually see the person he’d just saved…
To say the least, she looked pretty darn innocent. She had long, pink hair, eyes of an alarmingly similar colour, and seemed from her skin colour to be Asian of descent. Her face was quite pretty and bared a massive, sweet smile. Darren was coming down a bit from his high, so he was more able to pay attention to her. “Yo…” He greeted the girl, a little surprised.
‘’Hey!!’’ she grabbed his hand excitedly ‘’My name’s Yuki, What’s yours?’’
Darren took a moment to ruminate on the encounter.
“He called me ‘Stoner Boy…’ Sounds like my superhero name or something, hehe…” he chuckled and rummaged in his pocket. “Man, I’m sobering up. I need more weed.”
‘’Stoner boy…’’ Yuki replied almost dazily, then giggling slightly. ‘’I think it suits you’’
Darren lit up another joint with a small flame on the end of his finger and put it between his lips, taking a large drag. “Ohhhh man that’s better…” A faint cloud of smoke began to form around him as he did so. “Like… Where are you from, yo?”
Yuki shifted a bit, placing her hands behind her back, hanging her head and sighing as she spoke. ‘’That’s kind of a wild story...’’
“Wild… You’re from the jungle? Sweet...”
This apparently hilarious Darren-ism caused Yuki to begin laughing uncontrollably, unable to stop even if she wanted to. ‘’What? No!’’ She managed to force out amidst her laughter ‘’I just mean you wouldn’t believe me...’’ she said quietly after finally managing to calm herself.
Darren thought for a while. “If I wouldn’t believe you… Why aren’t you telling me, yo? If, y’know, you don’t tell me, like, that means you think I’ll believe you or something…” The philosophical side of his ganja-clouded head was kicking in.
Yuki clasped her hands around her face ‘’You’re too much~! Well alright... you know what happened back in Fukushima?’’
“Uuuueh… The place with the... nucular blowing up… thingie?”
‘’Uh-huh’’ She smiled, this smile seemed strangely out of place(Who smiles at the thought of their hometown and possibly their family completely destroyed?) but it’s not like Darren would have noticed in his high ‘’I’m from around there, but since it all got flooded with radiation survivors have had to… relocate… oh i’m sorry, I’ve just realized i’ve been rambling this entire time’’ Darren was only half aware at this point, more focused on taking another drag than taking note of what Yuki was saying.
Their conversation was interrupted, however, by the arrival of the most cringeworthy villain this franchise will ever see. He strode in from a dark alley and faced the pair without a word, an expression of purest anger upon his face. He wore what looked like some kind of assassin’s outfit in red, grey and black and had long, dark hair and pale skin, as well as bright red eyes which looked suspiciously like contact lenses... “HALT, criminal.” He replied in a gruff, edgy voice.
Darren simply reacted with a confused “Dude, wha…?” at the sudden appearance of this wacko. Yuki, meanwhile, merely looked at him, dumbfounded by the man’s awful appearance and plain cringeworthiness.
‘’I am… 7H3 3DG3.’’
Still visibly bewildered, darren replied slowly. “The... Edge?”
“No, you stupid FUCKING asshole stoner CUNT. 7H3 3DG3. It has to be spelled like that. And in bold. because it’s COOL that way.”
Yuki looked over to Darren before he could react with a sort of exasperated look on her face and whispered ‘’This guy is totally dumb’’ she then smiled and began to pull a long, shiny object from her pocket - which on closer inspection would prove to be a large knife.‘’Still, nobody talks to my senpai that way’’ her face began to turn into a twisted smile, and winking she asked ‘’Shall we get ‘em?’’
“Sen...pai? Whoah girl… That’s gnarly…” Darren replied slowly, eyeing the sharp object now in Yuki’s hand and taking vague note of her face… That smile was definitely not a sweet one, and her eyes had turned a very light pinkish-gray.
He may have been high as a kite but even he could see that the expression on her face was one of maniacal glee. That was a dangerous face. He was just glad she was on his side…
He turned back to The Edge-- ow! Don’t poke me like that! I get it, I get it, it’s 7H3 3DG3. Don’t get so damn tetchy!
After the writer had corrected his minor mistake, Darren turned back to 7H3 3DG3. and raised his hand slowly. “Dude… Like… You got the wrong guys.’’
7H3 3DG3. (that is really, really fucking annoying to type, by the way) wasn’t having any of it. His eyes narrowing in purest rage, he spat out “I NEVER get the wrong guy. I am the BEST FUCKING ASSASSIN in the FUCKING WORLD, I’m EX-CIA, and you’re just a TOOL. My client was VERY SPECIFIC about this. You are going to DIE, NOW.”
‘’Forget it’’ Yuki shook her head ‘’He’s not going to listen, my suggestion is stabbing, lots of it’’ With that, she raised her weapon and shot off at a truly indescribable speed towards 7H3 3DG3, calling back ‘’I’ll stall him, you try to attack!’’
Darren didn’t quite know what was going on, but he figured that if she was attacking him he might as well too. He lit up his arm, coating it once more in green flame and waited until Yuki gave him an opening. Somehow, he knew not how, being high made him quite good at fighting as well as philosophy.
Yuki was behind him in a matter of seconds, grabbing him and throwing him to the ground, slashing at him with a knife before he could even react. He threw a few punches and managed to catch her in the face, throwing her off him, and he quickly tried to recompose himself but before he could react, Yuki slashed at him with the knife once more. This time he managed to grab her arm and throw her aside but she did a graceful twirl in mid air and made another slash. Darren also got into the fight at this point, swinging at him with a flame-covered fist which 7H3 3DG3 managed to dodge… But waiting for him in his dodging path was Yuki, poised to slash again, laughing mechanically as her attack connected, cutting his arm clean open.
But strangely, 7H3 3DG3 did not react. Darren noticed this and flinched a bit. “Dude, THAT is, like, CRAZY gnarly, man…”
7H3 3DG3 simply responded “I do not feel pain. The mental pain I endure every single fucking day doesn’t even hold a fucking candle to this.” He then got back up again, swinging at Yuki with all his might, though he was severely weakened by the gash in his arm. Even if he didn’t feel it. Darren also made a swing, connecting a flaming hand with 7H3 3DG3’s face. The fist left a massive burnmark but he seemed relatively unfazed. He kept on fighting, but he was getting notably weaker. Eventually after more gashes and burns from the team of Yuki and Darren, he collapsed, bleeding out from the relentless onslaught. “You may have defeated me this time…” He muttered, in an oddly irritated tone, “But I’ll be back, I guarantee you. You’ll be sorry for what you did…!” With that, he stood up and began lurching off down the street.
‘’What? No we can’t let him get away!’’ gasped Yuki, an angry undertone to her voice, she shot off after him again. 7H3 3DG3 either didn’t notice or didn’t pay attention, probably more preoccupied with licking his wounds.
Darren may have still been quite high, but he still was capable of basic logic. “Chill… If we, like, follow him, we can see... where he came from or something…”
Immediately, Yuki appeared in front of Darren, her smile and sunny disposition back in a flash. ‘’Good idea, Senpai’’ she took him by the arm and began to wander in 7H3 3DG3’s general direction. Darren played along, not really getting why she was calling him “Senpai” but not really questioning it either. He was too high to question it.
The pair walked, and walked, and walkedm, carefully trailing 7H3 3DG3 through the town, though on occasion losing him because Darren was too high to pay attention. After much trailing and wandering aroound, eventually the pair managed to trail the cringeworthy hitman back to an abandoned factory on the outskirts of the city. Yuki was immediately on guard a she noticed 3DG3 (it’s easier to type just that part) enter the tumble-down concrete buolding, rounding excitedly on Darren. “Let’s go in and finish it, Senpai!” She chirped with a dertain urgence to her voice, which was not picked up by Darren, who merely replied with a hum and a nod. Unsure as to how high he was and whether or not he would act on it anyway, Yuki simply dragged Darren into the factory by the hand - he still didn’t seem to care.
Inside, the factory was very dimly lit, and almost nothing was visible… Unless you were Darren, whose weed-addled sense of sight probably allowed him to see SOMETHING amidst the darkness, even if it was something that wasn’t actually there. It was so dark in there that 7H3 3DG3 would have been right at home, so it wasn’t susprising that he’d want to come here of all places. After a poke from Yuki, Darren lit up his arm to illuminate the room - but this was rendered totally pointless, as soon after he did so, a set of halogen lamps thudded on, and 7H3 3DG3’s gravely voice could be heard saying “For FUCK’s sake!”
The lights also illuminated something else… Someone in the centre of the room, who looked a lot like Yuki… Short and cute-looking, even with the same uniform on, but unlike Yuki she had much longer, brown hair… and she also looked a lot creepier from the get-go. She was smiling eerily, and clapping very slowly as Yuki and Darren approached.
“So you finally made it here…” The girl spoke in a low, professional-sounding voice. “I knew you’d come here eventually… B-but it’s not as if I WANTED you to come here or anything… B-baka!” For a few seconds, she looked at Darren and the creepy, serious attitude melted away as the girl blushed and pouted, looking hastily away from him.
“Yo… Who’s that?” Darren asked, confused. He was running out of weed by now and the cloud around him was starting to dissipate.
“My name is Noji Sha.” The brunette replied, making a considerable effort NOT to look at Darren, despite addressing him. “And I see The Edge-- Ow!”
7H3 3DG3 had poked her with his sword.
“Well SORRY, Mister Picky Pants! Anyway, 7H333 3333DG3…” She said the name in a sardonic tone. “...has done his job.”
Yuki interjected. “Wait… YOU sent him after us?!”
“No, I hired this dimwit to kidnap HIM, and to consider anyone WITH him a criminal... But NOT to bring him to me. To bring him HERE, but not specifically to me, because I do NOT like him. You GOT that?!” Her denial seemed oddly specific, and the fact that she was blushing and pouting again was not helping her case.
Somehow this still went over Darren’s head. “Like… Why, lady?” he asked, still in a daze. “Why d’you need, like… me?”
“Oooooh~!” Yuki chirped, mockingly, continuing in a sing-song voice. “Looks like someone has a cru-ush!”
The room fell deadly silent for a few seconds as Yuki smiled mischevously and laughed evilly, Noji blushed and tried to think of an answer, Darren stood by wondering what the hell was going on, and 7H3 3DG3 edged closer.
Eventually, Noji spoke. “...Shut up. It doesn’t matter what I wanted him FOR! What matters is that he’s here, and so are you.. Yuki Shiroi. I knew you were trouble from the start. I knew you’d get close to-- Well, I knew you’d get up to no good. Not necessarily stuff involving HIM, but no good. I wouldn’t expect a bubblegum-headed aba-zure like you to even understand”
“Nan desu’tte, omae?! I’ll have you know that NOBODY talks to me, or my senpai like that! Wakatta?”
“I don’t even l-LIKE him... y-you dumb BITCH!”
“It’s written all over your face, kusogaki. You like him… And that’s. Not. Allowed.”
Suddenly, her smile returned… And with it, so did the unsettling, evil aura from before. Pulling her knife from her pocket again, she once again began laughing.
Darren was still confused, especially as to why they were speaking some kind of alien language. “So I guess we’re fighting again, huh…?” He mused, taking another drag and lighting up his arm.
The look on Noji’s face suddenly became a scowl. “So that’s how it’s going to be, eh? Fine. Get him, 3DG3!”
Everyone suddenly looked at 7H3 3DG3, who had appeared next to Noji and was apparently now fully healed. “You haven’t paid me yet. I got you the guy and that was the deal. Now you give me the money you owe me and we go our separate ways.”
Noji froze, turning a strange green colour. “Well… Uhh… I…”
“The money, girl. NOW.”
“W-well… I don’t…”
“You don’t have it, huh? Well… If that’s the case… It’s TIME TO DIE.”
But before he could strike the terrified Noji, his blade was blocked by none other than Yuki.
“Leave her! She’s MINE!”
“She owes me!”
“She is a DANGER to my relationship with Senpai!”
“My need is greater than yours, you ASSHOLE!”
“You don’t understand just how much this means to me! I HAVE to be the one to put a blade in her!”
They bickered for what seemed like an age, until Darren, a little too late, noticed something.
“Yo guys… She’s like, gone, yo.”
Both of them fell silent, before, in unison, letting out a rather flat “What.” Sure enough, Noji was gone. There was no trace of her to be found.
“Are you gonna, like, stop fighting now?” Darren asked, staring at the two of them with an almost imploring look. Until that moment, Yuki’s answer to that might have been “yes”... But as soon as she saw the face of her Senpai, begging her not to cause any more violence, it melted her inside… She would do anything for him, for the man who had saved her… For the man she loved.
“Okay, senpai.” She cooed, returning to his side and smiling again. “I’ll let this guy alone… And besides, who knows - we might never see that bitch again!”
“Girl, I dunnevenknow what’s going on…” Darren slurred in response, starting to come down from his high.
Meanwhile, 7H3 3DG3 glared at them both without another word before stomping off out the door, a moody expression on his face.
“Well… That was interesting.” Yuki replied before smiling once again and cuddling up to Darren. “So… What now, Senpai?”
“I dunno, man… Like, let’s walk… And toke. And stuff, yo.” He turned lazily on his heel and began wandering back through the door, with Yuki in tow.
And so the pair of them walked and talked about all kinds of things and ruminating on the kind of things that weed makes you ruminate on, not really caring, or in Darren’s case, having any idea, where they were going.They continued like this for some time, until Darren noticed something. A man on the street, looking dejected. “Yo… That dude looks totally bummed, yo. Ya think he wants some weed?”
Yuki saw the man, also taking note of his demeanor. “Whatever you think, Senpai~” She chirped, approaching the man. And what happened next is history… Which by the way is code for “you should know what happened if you read the previous story.” Did you think you could start from number 2 and pick up what was going on? Go read the first one, you lazy ass. It makes this ending make a lot more sense. Come to think, why is this just called Stoner-Boy? Yandere Girl was just as big a character, but then again, who cares.